Category Archives: #celebulge

Bounce With It, Bounce With It

Mesmerizing.

Songbreak: Jennifer Lopez Objectifies Men!

For the record, I find absolutely zero things wrong with objectifying men. For as long as the patriarchy stands, I say let every man and woman sexually objectify any man they'd like. Now that that's out the way, NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS VIDEO! Apparently it came out last month? It's chock full of Speedo bulges, butt crack peeks, lingering shots of the sinewy men, sweaty men, abs, and all sorts of great eye candy. There's so much of it, I decided to give you a gallery full of it. Images are HQ so give them a second to load. It's worth it. Some highlights: And finally the video:  

Game of Thrones Sex Recap Masterpost: Westeros Wangs!

So, who's zoomin' who in the Seven Kingdoms (and beyond?) To begin, here's what we know ranging from Season 1 to Season 3:

Cersei & Jamie Lannister -

  • Twin children of tyrannical Tywin Lannister
  • Incestuous actual parents of Joffrey, Myrcella & Tommen Baratheon 
  • Responsible for crippling Bran Stark when he caught them boning
  • Deeply love each other, even though Cersei was getting it on with a Lannister cousin or two to fill the void when Jamie was captured.

Cersei & Lancel Lannister -

  • The fey and twinkish Lancel Lanister is a cousin to Cersei & Jamie
  • He's basically a visual hybrid of Cersei & Nicolas Hoult, with bad hair.
  • Tyrion figures out they're banging, and uses Lancel as an informant
  • Cersei does not love Lancel, but she's a woman with needs and he has a wang. Because they're related, he'll keep it quiet. 

Robert Baratheon (RIP) & Many Wenches -

  • The usurper king clearly never had affection for Cersei, his wife, so he sired many bastards with whores across Kings Landing
  • Had an unrequited love for Ned Stark's sister Lyanna
  • Might be Jon Snow's father, might not be. Lyanna is most likely Jon's mother. We won't know until much later. 

Tyrion Lannister +  1 Peasant & Many Wenches

  • The dwarf younger sibling of incestuous lovers Jamie & Cersei loved a girl once, but because she had no title, his father Tywin had her killed.
  • He gallivanted with a few prostitutes on occasion while drinking, but met one and fell in love.
  • Shae, his new love and former prostitute, is a cunning and skillful gal who was forced into the sex trade very young by her mother.
  • Tyrion was forced to marry a very young Sansa Stark, but he's the only respectable Lannister, so he refuses to bed her down. 

Robb Stark + Talisa Maegyr of Volantis

  • Robb Stark made a pact to marry one of the many Frey girls, but during the war he met & fell in love with Talisa, a noble lady-turned-war nurse from the free city of Volantis ("free city" being not under the Seven Kingdoms jurisdiction.)
  • He and Talisa boink a bunch, and eventually she becomes pregnant with Robb's child. She thinks it'll be a boy, so she suggests the name Eddard, just like Robb's dad (RIP & aww.)
  • Then the Red Wedding happens, and err'body dies, including Talisa and the unborn Eddard.
tumblr_mop5evCYav1rjrvmvo3_250
Richard Madden's Bum

Theon Greyjoy + Many Wenches

  • Theon is the son of Lord Greyjoy, an ally of the Targaryens in the last war; he was raised as a ward by Ned Stark & Co.
  • Has been reported to have a very large peen.
  • Theon likes to get his rocks off with any prostitute that crosses his path. In the show, most of the prostitutes he's boinked have ended up at Kings Landing and then had dalliances with other players in the Game of Thrones.
  • Is captured by the bastard son of one of the Stark Bannerman Lords and is tortured - eventually having his wang cut off. Theon will boink no more.
Alfie Allen's peen
Alfie Allen's peen
 

Daenarys Stormborn Targaryen + Drogo, Khal of the Grass Sea

  • TBH, Daenerys is basically sold as a sex slave by her brother Viserys to the Dothraki Khal (Khal = King) and her first boinking is not exactly consensual? Regardless, she comes to love the Khal and asks for pleasure tips from her handmaidens to better please her new husband.
  • She and the Khal engage on a healthy sexual relationship which in turn leads him to respect her womanhood both in and outside of the bedroom bedding tent.
  • She winds up preggo, but thanks to the witchy ways of a vengeful midwife from a city the Khal had conquered, she lost both Drogo and her son. 
  • Viserys (RIT - rest in turmoil, because he was awful) also fondled his sister, and it was implied he had done so before, but a full-fledge sexual encounter never seems to have taken place between the two - despite the fact that the Targaryen line is rife with inbreeding.
Jason Momoa's bum
Jason Momoa's bum

Renly Baratheon (RIP) & Loras Tyrell, Knight of Roses

  • Renly is the younger brother to former King Robert Baratheon and is loved by many because he's just a swell dude. He's totes gay too. 
  • Renly eventually begins a sexual & love affair with Loras Tyrell, is the precursor to a marriage between Renly & Loras' sister Margaery.
  • Renly declares himself - foolishly - an heir to the throne after Robert's death on the grounds that his older brother Stannis is not popular enough. Pity, because it eventually leads to his death, and to Loras' loss of a partner.
  • Renly tries to get it up for Margaery, but never does - She is willing to bring brother Loras into the bedroom to help things along though. Gotta respect that. 
Finn Jones + Gethin Anthony K I S S I N G
Finn Jones + Gethin Anthony K I S S I N G

Loras Tyrell & Male Hussy Olyvar

  • After Renly's death the Tyrell's partner up with camp Lannister.
  • After a sparring match in the gardens, Loras is seduced by one of Littlefinger's (Kingdom's Master of Coin) prostitution-spies. 
  • It's only a temporary dalliance, solely arranged by Littlefinger to confirm that Loras likes the peen and to get other info.
Will Tudor + Finn Jones foreplay (with butts)
Will Tudor + Finn Jones foreplay (with butt)

Jon Snow & Ygritte

  • Jon Snow was raised as Ned Stark's bastard (though while he is in fact of Stark blood, he is 99% probably not Ned's but rather Ned's sister Lyanna's) and eventually ended up on the Night's Watch - the guard of the ice wall that separates the kingdoms from the myths of the wintry north, as well as the "wildlings" which are just the humans who've been raised without the trappings & comforts of the culture of the Seven Kingdoms. 
  • One of his new wildling acquaintances - who was first his attacker, then his prisoner, then his escapee, then his helper - Ygritte, became his first lover. Jon had never boinked before he and Ygritte did the dirty in a cave with conveniently located natural hot springs.
  • Turns out he has a natural predilection for cunnilingus (eating puss) because without any prior practice, he sends Ygritte into a rapturous state of bliss. 
  • Turns out Jon Snow just innately "knows some things."
Jon Snow knows... some things.
Jon Snow knows... some things.

Podrick "Pod" Payne + Many Wenches

  • Pod is the loyal associate of Tyrion (the only good Lannister) and Tyrion finds out he's a virgin. 
  • To rectify this injustice, Tyrion sets him up with a few of Littlefinger's prostitute.
  • Turns out, much like Jon Snow's predilection for certain sex acts, Pod's rather large ween gives him amazing bedroom skills because after the deeds were done, the wenches would accept no payment. Pod's peen was gift enough.
  • Hashtag: TriPod

Melisandre the Red Witch + Gendry, Robert Baratheon's Bastard

  • Melisandre is a Red Preistess of the Lord of Light and uses sex as a very effective tool to get things done. 
  • She births the shadow demon that kills Renly Baratheon.
  • After having kidnapped Gendry (a person she needs because of the power of a King's blood) she seduces him into arousal, going so far as to bone him long enough to get his weenus good and engorged... all so so can slap some blood-sucking leeches on him, and especially on his oh-so-full-of-blood erect peen.
Joseph Dempsie pube shot
Joseph Dempsie pube shot

Xaro Xhoan Daxos + Doreah

  • Xaro Xhoan Daxos was a member of The Twelve, the ruling council of the wealthy city of Quarth. 
  • Doreah was a freed servant maiden to Daenerys. 
  • Xaro and fellow council member Pyat Pree, a warlock, had plans to usurp the council and it involved the capture of Dany & her dragons. Turns out the dragons can amplify a warlock's magic, and the presence of Dany can amplify the dragons themselves.
  • Doreah turned out to be in a sexual relationship with Xaro and was responsible for the access & kidnapping of the baby dragons.
  • As punishment, Daenerys left Xaro Xhoan Daxos & Doreah in Xaro's empty vault, presumably for the rest of their days. It is undetermined if they chose to boink again while trapped there in the darkness.  

Many Wenches + Many Wenches

  • Most of the prostitutes that come to work for Littlefinger eventually end up working with each other for various purposes.
  • Inside Littlefinger's brothel, it's most often for teaching. 
  • Joffrey, after having been sent Ros & Daisy, (two prostitutes who are seen often and all-around sweet ladies) makes the two start hitting each other instead of pleasuring each other. Ros later dies during a separate incident with Joffrey.
This is the list as I can recall it from memory, and it's based on what we've seen in the show, not the far more vast amount of copulation that happens in the pages of the book series. Gone unmentioned are the obvious couplings such as Ned & Catelyn Stark, as their 5 children obviously speak to the fact that they have bedded at least 5 times. To see the previously mentioned Wangs of Westeros, the Seven Inches of the Seven Kingdoms, the Iron Bones, the... well you get my point, go to Mr. Skin.

Mr. Man

Zach McGowan, Naked Again!

Looking like the muddy full-frontal'd Khal Drogo we all wished we'd seen on GoT, meet Captain Wang Vane! The last time we saw Zach McGowan he was flaunting his rather large-while-flaccid cock at us in Showtime's 'Shameless'. He's now over at the Starz network, starring in a show about pirates – heh heh butt pirates heh heh – called 'Black Sails' and guess what? His wang is flopping around again! And his character is called Captain Vane. Hashtag #VANEWANG! I very much like this trend, and I hope we see more period-set hyper-macho drama shows with all kinds of wang. I think it's quite possible we'll be seeing more of Zach as Captain Vane because Starz was the home of 'Spartacus', another show that didn't shy away from showing the peen.
  For mobile users, here's the same trailer in non-Flash form: KEEP IT UP, ZACH!

Michael Fassbender Drains The Pipe

Having a giant penis is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because, well, it's a giant penis. A curse because if you're an actor who has exposed himself as having a giant penis, the paparazzi will try and get a snap of it no matter the cost. So is the case here with Michael Fassbender; while filming a period piece in New Zealand, the endowed actor had to relieve himself. Michael Pissbender I know there surely must be more to surface, so until then, here's a look at other public figures who've been caught unleashing their golden showers upon nature: Bronson Pettellier Emile Hirsch

“XBox: Activate Penis Scanner”

Okay, folks. The news has been making the rounds today that the new Xbox Kinect 2.0 sensor set to be launched with the upcoming Xbox One on Friday can "see your penis." I will not fully buy in to this story until I've done some testing of my own (and you can be assured that I will be doing testing of my own.) As a lifelong bulge watcher, sometimes-sketch artist and overall tech-savvy fellow, I have a unique combination of analytical skills at my disposal to hopefully dispel some of the hype. First, the original Kinect used a combination of infrared & RGB imaging to create the image the motion sensor relies on to turn you, the player, into a console controller. The image was, to put it politely, a rough avatar of the players general shape but did indeed have a decent ability to mirror movement. The newest iteration of the Kinect will obviously be a vast improvement of that same technology, but while the image sensor will indeed be highly upgraded – there are reports that the new sensor can actually monitor your eye movement and the flushness of your face in high-activity/stress tests – the days of consumer-ready x-ray tech are still a ways off. Not impossible, but it's not happening this week. Now, this is the video that has every dude with a dong in a tizzy today: The Bulge Vs. The Penis As I said before, I've been crotch-watching since I was knee-high to a grasshopper, and I can assure you that what you're seeing above is not, in fact, an x-ray image of this poor chap's willie. If I might, I'd like to point out that this: is not actually an x-ray image. Sure, as you can see in the video, you can see the dong flopping around, but it's not because the Xbox Kinect is suddenly a home TSA scanner. It's because this guy is hung. Pure and simple. Here is a slightly contrasted/lightened regular image of the guy: Screen Shot 2013-11-18 at 8.20.44 PM 2 Now, his bulge, cropped/chopped/zoomed/arrowed: Screen Shot 2013-11-18 at 8.20.44 PM The only alterations that I made included a standard lightening of the image, dropping the contrast a few notches, upping the saturation bumping up the shadow slider in the image properties and –bam! – the outline appears. The sensor so sensitive, that it's picking up the shadows created by his bulge, not piercing beneath the denim to display his actual cock. Again, this guy is hung. He's clearly wearing boxers (if he's wearing underwear at all) and quite simply, he's faced with the same problem that Jon Hamm is faced with on a daily basis; prominent bulge syndrome. Seriously. Imagine Jon Hamm in front of that sensor. O gawd. Jon:

Louis & Liam Talk Cock

There are at least 2 uncut D's in the ranks of 1D. Thanks Erynn for the (hooded) heads up. Watch as a male journalist asks two members of the hot to trot boy band about their own members: #penispuns

Aussiebum

Seems like Aussiebum is finally taking a page from the Andrew Christian playbook and deciding to start actively marketing toward their (sizable) gay male consumer base. Because frankly – and I don't want to stereotype here – but mesh underwear just aren't for straight men. Don't get me wrong. It's not like they've avoided that particular demographic, but explicit overtures beyond the hot-guy-barely-naked shtick haven't been pursued. They've been the retail equivalent of the frat guy in college who asks you to suck his dick every Friday night after the party, but makes you swear not to tell. Looks like this frat guy just came out.
Mind you, this isn't their first attempt at mesh underwear. In fact, the first attempt was much more revealing. However, this is the first time they've produced their own suggestive promotional materials for such an item. The promo images for that first line were so tame you could've found them in a JC Penny ad, despite the fact that in reality, you could decipher a man's religion when he wore them.

Survivor: Dick Slip Island

There was that time a Survivor contestant's dick head popped out on national television, and no one caught it until the slowed-down DVR repeats.
This is kind of what the internet was made for.

Harlem Shake in Rugby Showers

This terrible Harlem Shake meme has been made better by all of the floppy soapy dicks in this video: