Mesmerizing.Follow @harveywalker Follow @ClosetCaseRoman
Of all the Harry Potter kids who grew up to be sexy adults, did you ever expect Matthew Lewis, AKA Neville Freaking Longbottom to cast a giant sexy-shadow over EVERYONE?!
When Tayte Hansen burst onto the CockyBoys radar last month, I knew he had a familiar face. Problem was, he’s not a dead ringer so it took me a hot minute to filter through my mind-grapes to figure out who it was he reminded me of. Making the task even more difficult was the fact that the person my subconscious was looking for has changed his hairstyle in recent roles, so my facial recognition software was thrown off. But, never fear, because I’ve pegged the lookalikes:
If you’re familiar with the Joss Whedon show “Dollhouse”, you’ll probably remember Fran Kranz. Really cute guy, big nose, good teeth and eyes that seem to perpetually have the sun shining in them. He later went on to star in Cabin In The Woods & Much Ado About Nothing, and a little-seen but really quite good movie called The TV Set. In that show he had longer hair, much like Tayte’s. So, take a look and tell me if you concur that these two could (have at one time, hair-wise) been doppelgängers:
I know the eyes aren’t the same, but the way their strong jawlines and wide smiles are framed by the floppy hair strikes me as a strong enough similarity that I wouldn’t mind getting between both of them. Sign up here to stay informed of Tayte’s debut.
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Eric Balfour is one of those guys you know you’ve seen in that one thing that one time. If you were a fan of HBO’s old show Six Feet Under, you’ll know exactly who he is. He was in the Texas Chainsaw remake from the early part of the 2000’s. He’s in a popular Syfy series called Haven these days. Despite its criminal underuse, one of Eric’s greatest … assets … is his willingness to get naked.
Some behind-the-scenes features from the Chainsaw film revealed that he liked have a goof on his castmates by stripping down. Hell, he even starred in a film where he was not only naked, but performing at full mast in some non-simulated oral sex scenes.
In fact, his giant – when I say giant, I’m referring to its height, Eric is a very tall man – and meaty ass is on full display a handful of times in that erotic movie, Lie With Me, and I’ve even seen a gif of his ass incorrectly attributed to Channing Tatum on tumblr. This isn’t Channing’s ass folks. This is all Eric.
You guys, I just…I can’t even! The beautiful Zoe Saldana recently tweeted a pic of her and her Guardians of the Galaxy co-star/former Doctor Who companion,
Amy Pond Karen Gillan, rehearsing for an extended fight scene!
— Zoe Saldana (@zoesaldana) April 7, 2014
For the record, I find absolutely zero things wrong with objectifying men. For as long as the patriarchy stands, I say let every man and woman sexually objectify any man they’d like.
Now that that’s out the way, NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS VIDEO!
Apparently it came out last month? It’s chock full of Speedo bulges, butt crack peeks, lingering shots of the sinewy men, sweaty men, abs, and all sorts of great eye candy.
There’s so much of it, I decided to give you a gallery full of it. Images are HQ so give them a second to load. It’s worth it.
And finally the video:
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So, who’s zoomin’ who in the Seven Kingdoms (and beyond?)
To begin, here’s what we know ranging from Season 1 to Season 3:
Cersei & Jamie Lannister –
- Twin children of tyrannical Tywin Lannister
- Incestuous actual parents of Joffrey, Myrcella & Tommen Baratheon
- Responsible for crippling Bran Stark when he caught them boning
- Deeply love each other, even though Cersei was getting it on with a Lannister cousin or two to fill the void when Jamie was captured.
Cersei & Lancel Lannister –
- The fey and twinkish Lancel Lanister is a cousin to Cersei & Jamie
- He’s basically a visual hybrid of Cersei & Nicolas Hoult, with bad hair.
- Tyrion figures out they’re banging, and uses Lancel as an informant
- Cersei does not love Lancel, but she’s a woman with needs and he has a wang. Because they’re related, he’ll keep it quiet.
Robert Baratheon (RIP) & Many Wenches –
- The usurper king clearly never had affection for Cersei, his wife, so he sired many bastards with whores across Kings Landing
- Had an unrequited love for Ned Stark’s sister Lyanna
- Might be Jon Snow’s father, might not be. Lyanna is most likely Jon’s mother. We won’t know until much later.
Tyrion Lannister + 1 Peasant & Many Wenches
- The dwarf younger sibling of incestuous lovers Jamie & Cersei loved a girl once, but because she had no title, his father Tywin had her killed.
- He gallivanted with a few prostitutes on occasion while drinking, but met one and fell in love.
- Shae, his new love and former prostitute, is a cunning and skillful gal who was forced into the sex trade very young by her mother.
- Tyrion was forced to marry a very young Sansa Stark, but he’s the only respectable Lannister, so he refuses to bed her down.
Robb Stark + Talisa Maegyr of Volantis
- Robb Stark made a pact to marry one of the many Frey girls, but during the war he met & fell in love with Talisa, a noble lady-turned-war nurse from the free city of Volantis (“free city” being not under the Seven Kingdoms jurisdiction.)
- He and Talisa boink a bunch, and eventually she becomes pregnant with Robb’s child. She thinks it’ll be a boy, so she suggests the name Eddard, just like Robb’s dad (RIP & aww.)
- Then the Red Wedding happens, and err’body dies, including Talisa and the unborn Eddard.
Theon Greyjoy + Many Wenches
- Theon is the son of Lord Greyjoy, an ally of the Targaryens in the last war; he was raised as a ward by Ned Stark & Co.
- Has been reported to have a very large peen.
- Theon likes to get his rocks off with any prostitute that crosses his path. In the show, most of the prostitutes he’s boinked have ended up at Kings Landing and then had dalliances with other players in the Game of Thrones.
- Is captured by the bastard son of one of the Stark Bannerman Lords and is tortured – eventually having his wang cut off. Theon will boink no more.
Daenarys Stormborn Targaryen + Drogo, Khal of the Grass Sea
- TBH, Daenerys is basically sold as a sex slave by her brother Viserys to the Dothraki Khal (Khal = King) and her first boinking is not exactly consensual? Regardless, she comes to love the Khal and asks for pleasure tips from her handmaidens to better please her new husband.
- She and the Khal engage on a healthy sexual relationship which in turn leads him to respect her womanhood both in and outside of the
- She winds up preggo, but thanks to the witchy ways of a vengeful midwife from a city the Khal had conquered, she lost both Drogo and her son.
- Viserys (RIT – rest in turmoil, because he was awful) also fondled his sister, and it was implied he had done so before, but a full-fledge sexual encounter never seems to have taken place between the two – despite the fact that the Targaryen line is rife with inbreeding.
Renly Baratheon (RIP) & Loras Tyrell, Knight of Roses
- Renly is the younger brother to former King Robert Baratheon and is loved by many because he’s just a swell dude. He’s totes gay too.
- Renly eventually begins a sexual & love affair with Loras Tyrell, is the precursor to a marriage between Renly & Loras’ sister Margaery.
- Renly declares himself – foolishly – an heir to the throne after Robert’s death on the grounds that his older brother Stannis is not popular enough. Pity, because it eventually leads to his death, and to Loras’ loss of a partner.
- Renly tries to get it up for Margaery, but never does – She is willing to bring brother Loras into the bedroom to help things along though. Gotta respect that.
Loras Tyrell & Male Hussy Olyvar
- After Renly’s death the Tyrell’s partner up with camp Lannister.
- After a sparring match in the gardens, Loras is seduced by one of Littlefinger’s (Kingdom’s Master of Coin) prostitution-spies.
- It’s only a temporary dalliance, solely arranged by Littlefinger to confirm that Loras likes the peen and to get other info.
Jon Snow & Ygritte
- Jon Snow was raised as Ned Stark’s bastard (though while he is in fact of Stark blood, he is 99% probably not Ned’s but rather Ned’s sister Lyanna’s) and eventually ended up on the Night’s Watch – the guard of the ice wall that separates the kingdoms from the myths of the wintry north, as well as the “wildlings” which are just the humans who’ve been raised without the trappings & comforts of the culture of the Seven Kingdoms.
- One of his new wildling acquaintances – who was first his attacker, then his prisoner, then his escapee, then his helper – Ygritte, became his first lover. Jon had never boinked before he and Ygritte did the dirty in a cave with conveniently located natural hot springs.
- Turns out he has a natural predilection for cunnilingus (eating puss) because without any prior practice, he sends Ygritte into a rapturous state of bliss.
- Turns out Jon Snow just innately “knows some things.”
Podrick “Pod” Payne + Many Wenches
- Pod is the loyal associate of Tyrion (the only good Lannister) and Tyrion finds out he’s a virgin.
- To rectify this injustice, Tyrion sets him up with a few of Littlefinger’s prostitute.
- Turns out, much like Jon Snow’s predilection for certain sex acts, Pod’s rather large ween gives him amazing bedroom skills because after the deeds were done, the wenches would accept no payment. Pod’s peen was gift enough.
- Hashtag: TriPod
Melisandre the Red Witch + Gendry, Robert Baratheon’s Bastard
- Melisandre is a Red Preistess of the Lord of Light and uses sex as a very effective tool to get things done.
- She births the shadow demon that kills Renly Baratheon.
- After having kidnapped Gendry (a person she needs because of the power of a King’s blood) she seduces him into arousal, going so far as to bone him long enough to get his weenus good and engorged… all so so can slap some blood-sucking leeches on him, and especially on his oh-so-full-of-blood erect peen.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos + Doreah
- Xaro Xhoan Daxos was a member of The Twelve, the ruling council of the wealthy city of Quarth.
- Doreah was a freed servant maiden to Daenerys.
- Xaro and fellow council member Pyat Pree, a warlock, had plans to usurp the council and it involved the capture of Dany & her dragons. Turns out the dragons can amplify a warlock’s magic, and the presence of Dany can amplify the dragons themselves.
- Doreah turned out to be in a sexual relationship with Xaro and was responsible for the access & kidnapping of the baby dragons.
- As punishment, Daenerys left Xaro Xhoan Daxos & Doreah in Xaro’s empty vault, presumably for the rest of their days. It is undetermined if they chose to boink again while trapped there in the darkness.
Many Wenches + Many Wenches
- Most of the prostitutes that come to work for Littlefinger eventually end up working with each other for various purposes.
- Inside Littlefinger’s brothel, it’s most often for teaching.
- Joffrey, after having been sent Ros & Daisy, (two prostitutes who are seen often and all-around sweet ladies) makes the two start hitting each other instead of pleasuring each other. Ros later dies during a separate incident with Joffrey.
This is the list as I can recall it from memory, and it’s based on what we’ve seen in the show, not the far more vast amount of copulation that happens in the pages of the book series. Gone unmentioned are the obvious couplings such as Ned & Catelyn Stark, as their 5 children obviously speak to the fact that they have bedded at least 5 times.
To see the previously mentioned Wangs of Westeros, the Seven Inches of the Seven Kingdoms, the Iron Bones, the… well you get my point, go to Mr. Skin.Follow @harveywalker Follow @ClosetCaseRoman
Looking like the muddy full-frontal’d Khal Drogo we all wished we’d seen on GoT, meet Captain
The last time we saw Zach McGowan he was flaunting his rather large-while-flaccid cock at us in Showtime’s ‘Shameless’. He’s now over at the Starz network, starring in a show about pirates – heh heh butt pirates heh heh – called ‘Black Sails‘ and guess what? His wang is flopping around again! And his character is called Captain Vane. Hashtag #VANEWANG!
I very much like this trend, and I hope we see more period-set hyper-macho drama shows with all kinds of wang. I think it’s quite possible we’ll be seeing more of Zach as Captain Vane because Starz was the home of ‘Spartacus’, another show that didn’t shy away from showing the peen.
For mobile users, here’s the same trailer in non-Flash form:
KEEP IT UP, ZACH!
I’m not the biggest fan in the world of The Neighbourhood. The song of theirs that went everywhere this past summer “Sweater Weather” is okay and all, but I was disappointed to learn that despite the King’s English spelling of the band name, the lads were not in fact from the UK. They’re a group of guys from California. All that being said, they released a video for their latest single “Afraid” wherein the lead singer just wanted to be naked. Being the proponent of peen that I am, I present to you here, uncensored, the video for “Afraid”
Note – there’s actually only like one second of cock in the whole thing, but tbh, it’s pretty nicely sized for a flaccid wang. Screencap below.
And for good measure, here’s a pic of the lead singer’s bum as well as a gif of him being a total heteroflexible goober:
Courtesy of Roman’s reporting & research (aka texting me photos he found.)Follow @harveywalker Follow @ClosetCaseRoman