“XBox: Activate Penis Scanner”

Okay, folks. The news has been making the rounds today that the new Xbox Kinect 2.0 sensor set to be launched with the upcoming Xbox One on Friday can "see your penis." I will not fully buy in to this story until I've done some testing of my own (and you can be assured that I will be doing testing of my own.) As a lifelong bulge watcher, sometimes-sketch artist and overall tech-savvy fellow, I have a unique combination of analytical skills at my disposal to hopefully dispel some of the hype. First, the original Kinect used a combination of infrared & RGB imaging to create the image the motion sensor relies on to turn you, the player, into a console controller. The image was, to put it politely, a rough avatar of the players general shape but did indeed have a decent ability to mirror movement. The newest iteration of the Kinect will obviously be a vast improvement of that same technology, but while the image sensor will indeed be highly upgraded – there are reports that the new sensor can actually monitor your eye movement and the flushness of your face in high-activity/stress tests – the days of consumer-ready x-ray tech are still a ways off. Not impossible, but it's not happening this week. Now, this is the video that has every dude with a dong in a tizzy today: The Bulge Vs. The Penis As I said before, I've been crotch-watching since I was knee-high to a grasshopper, and I can assure you that what you're seeing above is not, in fact, an x-ray image of this poor chap's willie. If I might, I'd like to point out that this: is not actually an x-ray image. Sure, as you can see in the video, you can see the dong flopping around, but it's not because the Xbox Kinect is suddenly a home TSA scanner. It's because this guy is hung. Pure and simple. Here is a slightly contrasted/lightened regular image of the guy: Screen Shot 2013-11-18 at 8.20.44 PM 2 Now, his bulge, cropped/chopped/zoomed/arrowed: Screen Shot 2013-11-18 at 8.20.44 PM The only alterations that I made included a standard lightening of the image, dropping the contrast a few notches, upping the saturation bumping up the shadow slider in the image properties and –bam! – the outline appears. The sensor so sensitive, that it's picking up the shadows created by his bulge, not piercing beneath the denim to display his actual cock. Again, this guy is hung. He's clearly wearing boxers (if he's wearing underwear at all) and quite simply, he's faced with the same problem that Jon Hamm is faced with on a daily basis; prominent bulge syndrome. Seriously. Imagine Jon Hamm in front of that sensor. O gawd. Jon: