So, who’s zoomin’ who in the Seven Kingdoms (and beyond?)
To begin, here’s what we know ranging from Season 1 to Season 3:
Cersei & Jamie Lannister –
- Twin children of tyrannical Tywin Lannister
- Incestuous actual parents of Joffrey, Myrcella & Tommen Baratheon
- Responsible for crippling Bran Stark when he caught them boning
- Deeply love each other, even though Cersei was getting it on with a Lannister cousin or two to fill the void when Jamie was captured.
Cersei & Lancel Lannister –
- The fey and twinkish Lancel Lanister is a cousin to Cersei & Jamie
- He’s basically a visual hybrid of Cersei & Nicolas Hoult, with bad hair.
- Tyrion figures out they’re banging, and uses Lancel as an informant
- Cersei does not love Lancel, but she’s a woman with needs and he has a wang. Because they’re related, he’ll keep it quiet.
Robert Baratheon (RIP) & Many Wenches –
- The usurper king clearly never had affection for Cersei, his wife, so he sired many bastards with whores across Kings Landing
- Had an unrequited love for Ned Stark’s sister Lyanna
- Might be Jon Snow’s father, might not be. Lyanna is most likely Jon’s mother. We won’t know until much later.
Tyrion Lannister + 1 Peasant & Many Wenches
- The dwarf younger sibling of incestuous lovers Jamie & Cersei loved a girl once, but because she had no title, his father Tywin had her killed.
- He gallivanted with a few prostitutes on occasion while drinking, but met one and fell in love.
- Shae, his new love and former prostitute, is a cunning and skillful gal who was forced into the sex trade very young by her mother.
- Tyrion was forced to marry a very young Sansa Stark, but he’s the only respectable Lannister, so he refuses to bed her down.
Robb Stark + Talisa Maegyr of Volantis
- Robb Stark made a pact to marry one of the many Frey girls, but during the war he met & fell in love with Talisa, a noble lady-turned-war nurse from the free city of Volantis (“free city” being not under the Seven Kingdoms jurisdiction.)
- He and Talisa boink a bunch, and eventually she becomes pregnant with Robb’s child. She thinks it’ll be a boy, so she suggests the name Eddard, just like Robb’s dad (RIP & aww.)
- Then the Red Wedding happens, and err’body dies, including Talisa and the unborn Eddard.
Theon Greyjoy + Many Wenches
- Theon is the son of Lord Greyjoy, an ally of the Targaryens in the last war; he was raised as a ward by Ned Stark & Co.
- Has been reported to have a very large peen.
- Theon likes to get his rocks off with any prostitute that crosses his path. In the show, most of the prostitutes he’s boinked have ended up at Kings Landing and then had dalliances with other players in the Game of Thrones.
- Is captured by the bastard son of one of the Stark Bannerman Lords and is tortured – eventually having his wang cut off. Theon will boink no more.
Daenarys Stormborn Targaryen + Drogo, Khal of the Grass Sea
- TBH, Daenerys is basically sold as a sex slave by her brother Viserys to the Dothraki Khal (Khal = King) and her first boinking is not exactly consensual? Regardless, she comes to love the Khal and asks for pleasure tips from her handmaidens to better please her new husband.
- She and the Khal engage on a healthy sexual relationship which in turn leads him to respect her womanhood both in and outside of the
- She winds up preggo, but thanks to the witchy ways of a vengeful midwife from a city the Khal had conquered, she lost both Drogo and her son.
- Viserys (RIT – rest in turmoil, because he was awful) also fondled his sister, and it was implied he had done so before, but a full-fledge sexual encounter never seems to have taken place between the two – despite the fact that the Targaryen line is rife with inbreeding.
Renly Baratheon (RIP) & Loras Tyrell, Knight of Roses
- Renly is the younger brother to former King Robert Baratheon and is loved by many because he’s just a swell dude. He’s totes gay too.
- Renly eventually begins a sexual & love affair with Loras Tyrell, is the precursor to a marriage between Renly & Loras’ sister Margaery.
- Renly declares himself – foolishly – an heir to the throne after Robert’s death on the grounds that his older brother Stannis is not popular enough. Pity, because it eventually leads to his death, and to Loras’ loss of a partner.
- Renly tries to get it up for Margaery, but never does – She is willing to bring brother Loras into the bedroom to help things along though. Gotta respect that.
Loras Tyrell & Male Hussy Olyvar
- After Renly’s death the Tyrell’s partner up with camp Lannister.
- After a sparring match in the gardens, Loras is seduced by one of Littlefinger’s (Kingdom’s Master of Coin) prostitution-spies.
- It’s only a temporary dalliance, solely arranged by Littlefinger to confirm that Loras likes the peen and to get other info.
Jon Snow & Ygritte
- Jon Snow was raised as Ned Stark’s bastard (though while he is in fact of Stark blood, he is 99% probably not Ned’s but rather Ned’s sister Lyanna’s) and eventually ended up on the Night’s Watch – the guard of the ice wall that separates the kingdoms from the myths of the wintry north, as well as the “wildlings” which are just the humans who’ve been raised without the trappings & comforts of the culture of the Seven Kingdoms.
- One of his new wildling acquaintances – who was first his attacker, then his prisoner, then his escapee, then his helper – Ygritte, became his first lover. Jon had never boinked before he and Ygritte did the dirty in a cave with conveniently located natural hot springs.
- Turns out he has a natural predilection for cunnilingus (eating puss) because without any prior practice, he sends Ygritte into a rapturous state of bliss.
- Turns out Jon Snow just innately “knows some things.”
Podrick “Pod” Payne + Many Wenches
- Pod is the loyal associate of Tyrion (the only good Lannister) and Tyrion finds out he’s a virgin.
- To rectify this injustice, Tyrion sets him up with a few of Littlefinger’s prostitute.
- Turns out, much like Jon Snow’s predilection for certain sex acts, Pod’s rather large ween gives him amazing bedroom skills because after the deeds were done, the wenches would accept no payment. Pod’s peen was gift enough.
- Hashtag: TriPod
Melisandre the Red Witch + Gendry, Robert Baratheon’s Bastard
- Melisandre is a Red Preistess of the Lord of Light and uses sex as a very effective tool to get things done.
- She births the shadow demon that kills Renly Baratheon.
- After having kidnapped Gendry (a person she needs because of the power of a King’s blood) she seduces him into arousal, going so far as to bone him long enough to get his weenus good and engorged… all so so can slap some blood-sucking leeches on him, and especially on his oh-so-full-of-blood erect peen.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos + Doreah
- Xaro Xhoan Daxos was a member of The Twelve, the ruling council of the wealthy city of Quarth.
- Doreah was a freed servant maiden to Daenerys.
- Xaro and fellow council member Pyat Pree, a warlock, had plans to usurp the council and it involved the capture of Dany & her dragons. Turns out the dragons can amplify a warlock’s magic, and the presence of Dany can amplify the dragons themselves.
- Doreah turned out to be in a sexual relationship with Xaro and was responsible for the access & kidnapping of the baby dragons.
- As punishment, Daenerys left Xaro Xhoan Daxos & Doreah in Xaro’s empty vault, presumably for the rest of their days. It is undetermined if they chose to boink again while trapped there in the darkness.
Many Wenches + Many Wenches
- Most of the prostitutes that come to work for Littlefinger eventually end up working with each other for various purposes.
- Inside Littlefinger’s brothel, it’s most often for teaching.
- Joffrey, after having been sent Ros & Daisy, (two prostitutes who are seen often and all-around sweet ladies) makes the two start hitting each other instead of pleasuring each other. Ros later dies during a separate incident with Joffrey.
This is the list as I can recall it from memory, and it’s based on what we’ve seen in the show, not the far more vast amount of copulation that happens in the pages of the book series. Gone unmentioned are the obvious couplings such as Ned & Catelyn Stark, as their 5 children obviously speak to the fact that they have bedded at least 5 times.
To see the previously mentioned Wangs of Westeros, the Seven Inches of the Seven Kingdoms, the Iron Bones, the… well you get my point, go to Mr. Skin.