YouTube Comment Reconstruction by Dead Parrot

My intention for today was to post something that DIDN’T come from youtube but after watching and guffawing at this video, I just had to share!

YouTube Comment Reconstruction #1 comes to us from Dead Parrot and the video is a dramatic reading of a comment war between two ‘Directioners.’

The YouTube comment section can sometimes make you question humanity, so to cheer you up we’re bringing you dramatic reconstructions of some of the best comment wars. This time it’s between ‘Sophie Danze’ and ‘Jilianlovesthebeibs’ on “One Direction – What Makes You Beautiful.” Enjoy and why not start your own argument in the comment section below.

We know, Matt. Us too.

Matt is looking like he just saw the cute aforementioned ginger. Same, Smith. Same.

“XBox: Activate Penis Scanner”

Okay, folks. The news has been making the rounds today that the new Xbox Kinect 2.0 sensor set to be launched with the upcoming Xbox One on Friday can “see your penis.” I will not fully buy in to this story until I’ve done some testing of my own (and you can be assured that I will be doing testing of my own.)

As a lifelong bulge watcher, sometimes-sketch artist and overall tech-savvy fellow, I have a unique combination of analytical skills at my disposal to hopefully dispel some of the hype.

First, the original Kinect used a combination of infrared & RGB imaging to create the image the motion sensor relies on to turn you, the player, into a console controller. The image was, to put it politely, a rough avatar of the players general shape but did indeed have a decent ability to mirror movement. The newest iteration of the Kinect will obviously be a vast improvement of that same technology, but while the image sensor will indeed be highly upgraded – there are reports that the new sensor can actually monitor your eye movement and the flushness of your face in high-activity/stress tests – the days of consumer-ready x-ray tech are still a ways off. Not impossible, but it’s not happening this week.

Now, this is the video that has every dude with a dong in a tizzy today:

The Bulge Vs. The Penis

As I said before, I’ve been crotch-watching since I was knee-high to a grasshopper, and I can assure you that what you’re seeing above is not, in fact, an x-ray image of this poor chap’s willie. If I might, I’d like to point out that this:

is not actually an x-ray image. Sure, as you can see in the video, you can see the dong flopping around, but it’s not because the Xbox Kinect is suddenly a home TSA scanner. It’s because this guy is hung. Pure and simple.

Here is a slightly contrasted/lightened regular image of the guy:
Screen Shot 2013-11-18 at 8.20.44 PM 2

Now, his bulge, cropped/chopped/zoomed/arrowed:
Screen Shot 2013-11-18 at 8.20.44 PM

The only alterations that I made included a standard lightening of the image, dropping the contrast a few notches, upping the saturation bumping up the shadow slider in the image properties and –bam! – the outline appears. The sensor so sensitive, that it’s picking up the shadows created by his bulge, not piercing beneath the denim to display his actual cock. Again, this guy is hung. He’s clearly wearing boxers (if he’s wearing underwear at all) and quite simply, he’s faced with the same problem that Jon Hamm is faced with on a daily basis; prominent bulge syndrome. Seriously. Imagine Jon Hamm in front of that sensor. O gawd.

Jon:


Music Monday: 2013 Recap Part 3 – Vampire Weekend

Modern Vampires of the City

Vampire Weekend’s Modern Vampires of the City begins on a solemn yet sweet-souding note with “Obvious Bicycle.” With a sparse percussive heartbeat driving the simple piano chords and not-quite-there strings, the chorus kicks into angelic overdrive asking you to just “listen, ohh.” For a song that lends itself to be interpreted as the Millenial Generation’s struggle to find work, it is so damn pretty.

The next track, “Unbelievers”, lifts your spirits into a more chipper mood in the way that Vampire Weekend so often can: thumping drumbeats accompanied by some spiffy guitar strumming. Fans of previous albums will certainly enjoy this tune. The same can be said for  “Step”.

“Diane Young” was the lead single from the album, debuting a few months beforehand. Some fun vocal-modifying tricks lent this song some George Michael-inspired chorus breakdowns. The title is an obvious play on the words “dying young” and the lyrics are full of some metaphors to that effect. Certainly the most outright pop song on the album, and made the better for it.

A fantastic extended performance on “Later with Jools Holland” featuring many of the songs mentioned:

Moving ahead to “Everlasting Arms”, another sweet-sounding song dealing with seemingly inner turmoil. A struggle of faith seems to be the culprit this time. “Worship You” & “Ya Hey” come a few tracks later, and while all of these songs are clearly playing on some religious verbiage, the latter two don’t seem to be quite as on the nose about their respective subjects.

The album ends with an almost elegiac coda in “Young Lion.” Only 1:45 in length, only one verse is repeated fourfold: “You take your time, young lion.” There were plenty of religious words and titles thrown about throughout the album, despite it not being overtly about religious faith, but this track cements the album as the best collection of hymnals that aren’t hymnals in a distinctly Vampire Weekend style.

Doctor Whogasm!

The 50th anniversary special is fast approaching and holyshitomgwtflol, the stuff the BBC is pulling out! Here’s a teaser of the special IN WHICH DAVID TENNANT WEARS A FEZ AND NOW I’VE LOST CONTROL OF MY BLADDER!!!!!

There’s even a little something for older fans of the series (though this isn’t too far of a stretch into the past. At all.) involving Paul McGann’s 8th incarnation of the Doctor! Squee! Also: …wut?